Its nearly midnight and I'm still awake. Lonliness can sometimes eat a whole in the soul. Do not want a girlfriend. Do not desire getting laid (did that within the last year and I keep to a strict once every six year schedule). Do not even actually want someone in the same room. Just someone around to say, "Come to bed, now!" and the snuggle a bit while I fall asleep.

Had a party tonight, guests and all. When they leave, the being alone part is more apparent. In fact, I'm glad when they leave and its quiet, but then I feel an empty space in life.

It makes work harder the next day cause I'm tired from going to bed so late. And, it becomes a vicious cycle. Relationships cut into work, so relationships are ducked, so loneliness cuts into work so get into relationship....you get the picture.

There is a plan for me, I see it. The plan is that I'm supposed to dedicate my life to a particular type of work. That's my special calling, I know that. I'm supposed to do great things and will do great things--I know that. Does that mean that I must be alone forever? One for another...the true blessing of a mission, a goal in exchange for the pleasure of a more complete life?

Just thinking out loud. I already know the answer--that I can have both and might have both; just be calm, Cameron...give it more time and more patience.