Octuplets and Angelina Jolie's boobs
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
I'm submitting to be a writer on a late night talk show. Here are some of the topical jokes I wrote over the weekend.
1. The octuplet mother’s fertility specialist Dr. Michael Kamrava is under heavy scrutiny for his role. Apparently, he had never heard the old proverb, “Don’t put all your eggs in one mother-of-six.”




2. Sunday night, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were both hoping to bring home an Oscar. They settled for a child from Slumdog Millionaire.

3. Yesterday, after Obama announced a $75 billion foreclosure rescue plan, the Dow Jones closed at its lowest level in six years, causing the President to yell, “Jenga!”

4. Lance Armstrong’s stolen bike has mysteriously been returned. But what Armstrong will never get back, is his peace of mind. And by “peace of mind” I mean testicle.

5. David Beckham is furious about a commercial for a Viagra-like drug that uses him as an unwilling spokesman. Beckham said that he would never need such a product because he can still “bend it in.”

6. Paris Hilton was given a Razzie award for Worst Actress of 2008. When asked how she felt about being given a Razzie, she asked what it was and whether or not she needed penicillin.

7. Sarah Palin owes $17,000 in back-taxes. They say the only two things you can count on are death and taxes. While McCain cheats one, Palin cheats the other.

8. President Obama has been well received in Ottawa. The crowds have shown their support by chanting, “Yes, we Canada.”

9. In Ohio, a 4th grade teacher was arrested for prostitution. Parents noticed red flags when the woman’s students came home saying, “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now I have a herpes shot.”

10. An Iraqi protester erected a giant sculpture of a shoe to honor the journalist who threw a shoe at President Bush. Unexpectedly, the sculpture has become a new home for the mother of octuplets.

11. A Muslim-American TV executive named Muzzammil Hassan who decapitated his wife has dismissed the suggestion his Muslim culture played a role. Instead he blamed the television culture, saying his industry is very cutthroat, and he wanted to get ahead.




12. Penelope Cruz won Best Supporting Actress for Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona, in which she has a threesome with Scarlett Johansson. Allen said the steamy sex scenes inspired him to have a “onesome.”

13. A rabbi in Massachusetts has come under criticism for his negative comments about an LGBT center. In his defense, he did believe that “LGBT” meant sandwiches with lettuce, bacon, tomato and goat cheese.

14. Historians found new evidence that suggests the famous pirate Blackbeard was originally from Massachusetts. They discovered that instead of saying, “Arrrr,” he was known for saying, “Ahhhh.”

15. Nicole Richie’s husband Joel Madden said that he’s expecting a “7-pound bundle of joy.” And that 7-pound bundle is once again pregnant.

16. Yesterday, a beaver appeared in the Detroit River for the first time in 75 years. Meaning the Detroit River, besides being full of toxins, finally has something else in common with Lindsay Lohan.

17. Schools are no longer sending children home if they have head lice. This sparked an enrollment by Joaquin Phoenix.
18. Scientists speculate that the Ramapo Fault could eventually cause part of New Jersey to separate into the ocean, proving once and for all that even New Jersey doesn’t want to be in New Jersey.


19. Hillary Clinton has stated that she thinks she’ll be successful in strengthening relationships with Southeast Asia, adding that every time Bill deals with Asians, he mentions getting a “happy ending.”

20. The mayor of Mexico City has been trying to win over the elderly vote by dispensing free Viagra to poor men over 60 years old. He’s getting ready for what he expects to be a long, hard election.

21. Nadya Suleman, the mother of octuplets, is losing her home to foreclosure. President Obama has decided to introduce a new package for people in Nadya’s situation. They’re called condoms.
22. NYU students have staged a protest of the college’s high tuition costs. One student complained that if the costs get any higher, she’ll no longer be able to afford her coke habit.
23. Joe Jonas told Barbara Walters the Jonas Brothers have purity rings which show they won’t have sex. I had a similar thing in high school, it was called “headgear.”